Mostly, I focus on the power of self-awareness because you can’t change any aspect of your life until you come to see how you contribute to that relationship or situation. Seeing it is deeply empowering because, while you cannot change how other people behave, you can change the way you engage, communicate and connect – and that includes your relationship with your Gremlin.

Being kind and caring towards ourselves is hugely important

However, I’ve recently noticed that I haven’t paid much attention to an approach which I’m positive that, if you use it, will go a long way to support you in your dealing with your Gremlin: self-compassion.

Very few people talk about self-compassion. The first – and so far only – time I came across this concept was when I read an important and very readable book called ‘Self-Compassion: stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind’ by Kristin Neff, PhD. For more information, click here.

Self-compassion has a number of strands:

It starts with noticing your Gremlin, the stuff it whispers that makes you feel really bad and you follow this with challenging that stuff.

But there’s more you can do and that’s where self-compassion comes in.

To get a handle on this idea, imagine your best friend comes to you feeling awful. They tell you how they screwed up – put on weight when the idea was to lose it, or done something that, in their eyes is really stupid. But you love your friend and recognise they’re having a really hard time. How would you respond? Would you say something like: “why did you do that! That was so stupid!” or would you say, “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. Yes, you eat three scoops of chocolate ice cream and a whole box of chocolates but you were really stressed. It’s not like you do that every day. It was a one-off and, anyway, wasn’t it delicious?” You’d tell them to be gentle with themselves and to forgive themselves for not being perfect. Not being perfect is part of being human. Nobody is perfect nor, in my opinion, should they be – it is this lack of perfection that helps us to continue to learn and to grow, to experiment, to move forward and then back again. This is how we learn. And this is what you remind your friend of because they seem to have forgotten it.

We are hard-wired to do something to help reduce other people’s pain. We offer comfort, support, concern and caring in order to relieve their suffering, and that is a wonderful thing to do.

Self-compassion works in exactly the same way; we just haven’t thought of directing it towards ourselves.

The good news is that it works just as well. It does make us feel better about the whole thing and is the perfect antidote to our usual habit of beating ourselves up. We don’t have to wait for someone else to show us compassion. Besides, where are these other people when we need them? But we’re here 24/7 so there’s even a practical aspect to self-compassion.

And there’s more. Self-compassion doesn’t only benefit you but also those around you because, if you deal with your feelings of distress with kindness and patience you will overcome this episode much more quickly and that, surely, must benefit those around you – your family, friends and work colleagues.

How do you treat yourself when you mess up or when you face a tough challenge? Are you gentle or are you hard on yourself? There IS another way to deal with the challenges Life sends you. If you’d like to learn how to live your life in a way that makes you feel happier with yourself then click here to arrange a free chemistry session.

Sue Plumtree
The Life Enhancing Coach
Author of ‘Dancing with the Mask: learning to love and be loved’
As featured in ‘Woman’s Hour’, ‘The Telegraph’ and ‘Daily Mail’
Tel: 020 8940 7056

Do you trust yourself?

When I first start working with a new client, more than one tends to comment that they don’t really trust their own judgement because they have made so many poor choices in the past.

These comments got me thinking:  What does it really means to trust?

These clients have got one thing right:  it IS about trusting (or not trusting) themselves.  That definitely fits my own experience in the early days.  I tended to hand over decisions about what was best for me to just about everybody else. I trusted their judgement more than I trusted mine.

But issues around self-trust go beyond making choices – whether good or not.

When I first started working with my life coach a very long time ago I finally took the hard step of looking at the quality of my life as a whole.  I came to see that I would always blame other people for whatever was going wrong in my life, for my poor relationships, certainly for the state of my marriage but also my work.  Over time I finally came to see the extent to which I had created, if not all then certainly most of my life experiences and I also saw, for the first time, the extent to which I did not trust myself.

I also came to see my self-deceptions and denials, the many times I had let myself down, my need to be liked and my need to look good to myself, my self-image.  I would insist I wanted one thing and then go out of my way to do everything I could possibly do to sabotage it, how I pretended to feel one thing when I felt another, never staying with any feeling that was not ‘cheerful’ because that’s what I decided people expected of me.  I lacked integrity in my decision making going for the quick fix and never taking account of possible consequences – to myself or anybody else.  In short, I was certainly not in safe hands when it came to caring for myself or my life or, to put it another way, I could not trust myself to look after my own best interests – which I define as practical, emotional and spiritual.

Now fast forward several years after I finally made the decision to leave my marriage of 37 years.  Was this a decision I could trust, especially since I could not foresee how it would turn out?  When I started to grieve even though I was the one who had initiated the separation, I wondered whether that meant that my decision was wrong, that it couldn’t be trusted.

When a woman leaves her marriage she’s often confronted with the question of whether or not to keep her name.  I vividly remember how I came to choose to keep my name, Plumtree.  I believe names are really important, that they reflect who we really are.  I knew that people sometimes change their name to reflect their essence so I decided to speak to a number of them to find out what compelled them to do so. 

I reflected a lot before I decided to keep my name, Plumtree.  When I first started working with my coach, my name, Sue Plumtree, was synonymous with self-betrayal, lack of integrity, taking the easy way out, doing whatever it took to get people to like and accept me, blaming others, and so on.  By the time I came to confront the question I had, through my work with my coach, changed into a very different woman.  I had shed a lot of my masks, pretences and self-deceptions.  Equally important, I stood by myself – meaning, I didn’t let myself down when the going got rough.  I remember sitting on my sofa in my brand new home, the one I knew I truly belonged, on that first day after I moved in.  I was totally exhausted – physically and emotionally yet I recognised that I had stood by myself, that I didn’t let myself down and that I had become a woman who could be trusted.  In short, I realised that I was in safe hands – mine.

Today I continue to make choices.  Some choices turn out to have been poor while others are absolutely right for me.  The key, for me, is to learn from the experience – after I finish feeling pissed off with myself when I get it wrong but, nowadays, that doesn’t last too long.

What I realised is this:

If I listen to someone else’s advice and it goes wrong there’s nothing I can learn from the experience (other than not to listen to that person again) but, if I make the wrong decision, then I can learn from it.  Trusting myself even when I get it wrong is the only way to learn and to grow.  That doesn’t mean not listening to other people.  What it does mean is that it’s OK for me to listen to what they have to say and then decide for myself whether or not to take it into account.  At the end of the day, the decision to go one way or another and accepting the consequences are mine.  That’s what I mean by truly trusting myself.

Do you feel you can trust yourself?  Do you believe your own hands are safe enough to put yourself in?  Or do you keep making choices you regard as poor and wonder why that is?  If you want to learn how to trust yourself then click here to arrange to meet for a free chemistry session:

Sue Plumtree

The Life Enhancing Coach

Author of ‘Dancing with the Mask: learning to love and be loved’

Featured on BBC Radio 4 ‘Woman’s Hour’, ‘The Daily Mail’, ‘The Daily Telegraph’

Common self-sabotage

So what does it look like when we sabotage ourselves?  In my case, self-sabotage used to be practically a way of life. There are as many ways to sabotage ourselves as there are people.  One of mine was to twist myself into a chameleon to try and be what I believed people wanted me to be, all in an effort to be liked, approved of and accepted – perhaps even loved.

Another way to sabotage myself was my tendency to put other people’s needs ahead of my own, even the more important ones.

Having decided to leave my marriage of 37 years, a decision that took me a couple of years to make, I nearly blew it when I started hearing my Mum’s voice telling me, again and again, to never deliberately hurt anybody.  Leaving my husband certainly fell into this category and I started telling myself that I couldn’t do this to him, that he would never survive without me and other such nonsense although it certainly didn’t feel like nonsense at the time.  Doing anything for ourselves tends to be regarded as selfish and tends to stop a lot of people dead in their tracks.

Following one’s dreams, the desire for change, of going for something we really want even if it’s something in the sales – whatever it may be, big or small – tends to bring up a huge variety of ways to destroy the opportunity by giving in to other people’s criticisms or even our inner voice trying to make us feel guilty for wanting something for ourselves.

My way of sabotaging my marriage was by being hyper-critical, making it clear he wasn’t good enough, nagging, complaining and trying to manipulate and control – despite insisting that all I wanted was a loving relationship. I’m not blaming myself for the breakdown of my marriage but neither do I want to pretend to be the innocent bystander. I define ‘innocent bystander’ as describing other people as rude, careless, thoughtless, patronising while you’re the picture of reasonableness, politeness and patience.

If we find ourselves unhappy but insist there’s nothing we can do about it, that’s self-sabotage. If we choose to continue doing things that are not good for us – staying in toxic relationships, dropping out of school, allowing others to behave carelessly towards us – or continuing with addictions we know will damage our health in the long term – tobacco, drugs, alcohol, one night stands or over-eating – they’re all ways of letting ourselves down.  These are all significant but there are much smaller ones that have a serious impact on us and our relationships, things like giving in when you know you’re right – for the sake of peace and quiet or not being willing to rock the boat.  Allowing others to get away with inappropriate behaviour is another.

Why would we continue to do these things when we know that they will cause us unhappiness and affect our health and wellbeing (physical or emotional) either right now or in the future? The number 1 reason is because we don’t like ourselves, we don’t believe (deep down) that we deserve the good things in life, including love. We believe ourselves to be unworthy.

So, how to start making changes? The most important step is to become more self-aware, to begin to pay attention to what you’re doing that clearly doesn’t work for you. You will recognise these behaviours because of how they make you feel.  Sometimes you will feel great in the short term but that may be followed by self-punishment, beating yourself up and feeling terrible, for example after eating a whole box of chocolates.

Habits and patterns can be hard to uncover. They have been with you all your life so be patient with yourself but persist.

Fact is, you live the life you love, whatever you may say or, to put it another way: actions speak louder than words.

You might like to ask someone you trust what habits or patterns they notice that get in the way of you achieving what you keep saying you want. Ask them to be straight with you and keep any defensiveness in check. Resist the urge to argue with them! That would definitely be self-sabotaging behaviour.

Once you have identified an unhelpful habit and are ready to let go, ask yourself what could you do instead? One example might be to stop blaming other people when something goes wrong or pretending to be ‘the innocent bystander’ in your relationships.

Probably the most successful strategy in the long term is to develop a strong sense of self-confidence. How do you do that? You might like to make a start by downloading my free e-book ‘The 10 Principles to Standing Tall in the World’ (see right hand side).  If you’d like to understand how to live a Life that is life-affirming then click here to arrange a free chemistry session.

Sue Plumtree

The Life Enhancing Specialist

Tel: 020 8940 7056

Mobile: 07903 795027

Email: sue@sueplumtree.com

Some people believe in the saying: “Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die”.  These people act on impulse without thought to any consequences – either to themselves or anybody else.  And, when that consequence comes about, they rarely see the connection.  They might believe that this is what it means to live in the here and now.

Take the time to smell the flowers

My own conclusions are different and are mostly a matter of pulling together a number of threads that began to weave towards now a few years ago.

One insight was the grudging acceptance that my Mum was growing old and would, inevitably die.  As we lived some distance away, I tended to save all kinds of things to tell her when we were there, visiting.  But that insight caused me instead, call her and tell her whatever I needed to say – including the occasional “I love you” as soon as the thought occurred to me.  The upshot, when she died last September, was that there were no loose ends, nothing left unsaid, no regrets – except for the pain of missing her.

But there are many other ways where living in the here and now is important:

I had an accident a few weeks ago where I hit my head pretty badly.  Afterwards, when the painkillers finally kicked in, I felt incredibly grateful – mostly that it hadn’t been worse, that I was here to celebrate Christmas and welcome in the New Year.  What does that have to do with living in the here and now?

That accident could have been much more serious, perhaps with long terms effects.  One minute you walk along Life, minding your own business, and the next everything is upside down – which is why every moment is so precious. 

Yet another way of living in the here and now is when I feel sad.  Staying with the feeling without wishing it went away or trying to distract myself from it, that’s another way of being present.  That doesn’t mean wallowing. To me, it means not pretending I don’t feel what I feel – something I used to do for many years, mostly to please others who tended to regard me as permanently cheerful.

Living in the present is something to be cherished, even if, at the time, it’s not exactly comfortable.  How does living in the present enhance the quality of our life?

The answer is this:

It is often said that you don’t know what you had until it’s gone.  Living in the here and now ensures this doesn’t happen.  I’ve heard people say, with regret, “I was happy then; I just didn’t realise it.”  Remaining aware of everything that is happening, celebrating the rollercoaster of life – it’s the best way to stay alive

How do you live your life? Are you often in the past, with regrets or guilt?  Or in the future, with hope?  Do you tend to distract yourself from what’s going on right now because you don’t want to deal with it (even though you know deep down that it won’t go away and might even get worse)? Do you miss precious moments until they’re past?  If you’d like to understand how to live a Life that is life-affirming then click here to arrange a free 20-min chemistry session.

Sue Plumtree

The Life Enhancing Specialist

strong enough to ask for help

I’ve always been intrigued by people’s general beliefs around what it means to be strong.  Some interpretations include ‘stiff upper lip’, not being influenced by emotions, being slightly detached, having a forceful personality, having firm convictions (another way of saying ‘inflexible’).  I have also heard words like ‘power’ and ‘might’. 

My own understanding as to what it means to be strong, especially when we’re older is different.  Although on the surface this appears to have nothing to do with age, I believe that my own version of what it means to be strong becomes easier as <!–more–>we grow older.

When I was a child my Mum would tell me stories about the time when she and Dad lived in the jungles of Bolivia after escaping the Nazis.  One story in particular had a huge impact on me.  She would tell me about the time when Dad was on his way to work and stepped on a rusty nail.  “But,” she went on, “he was so strong that he not only continued walking to work; he didn’t even get a blood infection.”  To her, Dad was a hero until the day he died 50 years later.

That story had a huge impact on me.  Her intention was to let me know what an amazing person my Dad was.  However, as a child, I believed that the point she was making was how important it was to be strong which I interpreted as being a ‘hero’.  And that’s what I became.

Unfortunately, my acting as ‘a hero’ contrived to create distance from other people.  Whenever anybody offered help or support I would reply “No, thank you.  I can handle this.  Thanks for asking.”  I was terrified people would regard me as being needy or demanding.  To me, being the opposite of ‘strong’ was ‘weak’, which is most people’s  belief.

All that changed when Life threw me a wobbly:  In 2009, when I was 64, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I was told they needed to perform a lumpectomy but warned me that they would only carry it out as an out-patient if I had someone stay with me for the next 24 hours.

As I lived on my own that meant I had to ask for help.  To this day I remember sitting in front of the phone and feel the deep resistance in me.  But, in the end, I had no choice but to make the call.  When I asked my friend if she’d come over and stay with me she didn’t hesitate for a moment.  “No problem”, she replied in a heartbeat. 

Since then I learned, to my amazement, that asking for help actually brings people closer.  I discovered that they like to be asked because it gives them the opportunity to do something for someone; it gives them the opportunity to make a difference.

Today I have a different understanding of what it means to be strong.  Here are some examples:  persisting in the face of obstacles and setbacks, and determined to pursue whatever matters to me the most.  Being strong also means knowing what I stand for, acknowledging that other people may stand for something different and being OK with it.

Being strong is having a solid sense of self so that when someone disagrees with me, is critical or even walks away, I don’t fall apart but remain standing.  I have learned that disagreements and criticism may hold a grain of truth so being strong includes not becoming defensive but being willing to listen to the other person’s point of view – even though I sometimes wish they’d express it in a gentler manner to make it easier for me to hear it. 

Having said that, I know I need to reflect on the comment to see if it’s actually true, if it contains some truth, a lot of truth or whether it genuinely doesn’t fit.  That means being honest with myself which can also demand strength.  But probably the best example is being willing to receive, allowing others to give or even actively ask for help.  That, to me, is a massive example of what it means to be strong.

However difficult I may find receiving help, support and the love that comes with it, I have come to realize that not being willing to receive it can be interpreted by the other person as rejection.  Over the years I have learned that giving and receiving are opposite sides of the same coin.

As I’ve grown older I have found that I’m becoming more comfortable in my own skin.  I no longer need to be seen this way or that, or to get people to approve of me.  This is the result of a combination of ageing but also with my work with my own life coach.

Life continues to test my strength – which brings with it more learning and growing.  I have come to realise that I’m always in the process of ‘becoming’.  The difference is whether I choose to do this consciously or not.

Do any of these examples chime with you?  If not, what is getting in your way? If you’d like to learn how to ‘get there’, please contact me for a free consultation

Sue Plumtree

The Life Enhancing Coach

Author of ‘Dancing with the Mask: learning to love and be loved’

Check out my Blog Talk Radio interview on Thurs 18 April.  Phone in and talk with me at 2:30pm (United Kingdom Time) or 9:30am (New York Time) 

Also, check out my televised interview at the Arlene Brown TV Network (Date and time to be announced)

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/arlenebrownmedia/2013/04/18/speaking-with-sue-plumtree

Alternatively, go to my website www.sueplumtree.com and contact me for a free consultation.

I was married for 37 years and, just over 8 years ago, I took the painful step of leaving my marriage. I did it because I finally admitted to myself that I deserved better.

Over the last 8 years I processed most of my baggage and I recently felt that I was ready to move forward.

As it turns out, at the ripe old age of 68, I’m blessed with the happiest decade of my life so far – working as a life coach which I love, wonderful friends and much, much more. Recently, I decided that I would like to add love and companionship to the mix and so I signed up to one of the online dating websites for seniors. It was not an easy decision for me to make. I’d been trying on and off for years and every time I swore I would never go on-line again. This time was different. Perhaps I was ready for a new relationship and, although I admit to feeling sceptical, I’d heard too many stories about people finding true love online, including some of my own friends. So I thought, “what the hell, let’s give this a try!”

I had lots of approaches, every single one more disappointing than the one before for all kinds of reasons. And then I received a message from a man that touched me. I checked out his profile and I decided I really liked the sound of him and so, I replied.

He lived in London but, as he had to go overseas for a couple of weeks, we started ‘chatting’ on Skype. The relationship progressed rapidly and soon became quite intense. I had never met a man like him before and I was swept away! I had begun to feel feelings I hadn’t felt in a very long time and I felt alive for the first time in ages!

I also have to admit, reluctantly, that on occasion he’d say something that felt was a little odd but I dismissed it. Other inconsistencies began to surface but I was enjoying myself too much and so I decided to ignore those too. In any case, they didn’t seem too serious so I let them pass. I didn’t want to spoil the experience.

On the day of my birthday I received an amazing love message. To say I was bowled over is to put it mildly! I felt really unsettled. I couldn’t wait for him to return to England when we would finally meet.

A couple of days after my birthday I had lunch with a good friend of mine. I told her the story and she asked me questions, some of which I couldn’t answer. She then told me that some of the things he’d been telling me contained some serious inconsistencies and warned me to stay alert.

The following day was an important date for this man when he would be advised the date of his return to England.

The next time we connected I was excited, looking forward to a date when we would finally meet. Except that the exchange didn’t go the way I had hoped. He started with the news that he would finally return to England the following Tuesday and we would at last meet and spend Easter together. How exciting is that? It’s what we were both waiting for. But my antennae was twitching.

And then, sadly, it came: “But I need your help”. As he wrote the words, my heart sank and I was silently urging him “don’t do it, please don’t do it!” – but he did. He spun some story and asked me to do something that required me to pay for it. He needed the help because, he said, he didn’t have access to money until he was back in England.

Thanks to my friend I was prepared and, while I was able to deal with the situation accordingly, I felt sad and bitterly disappointed, not just because of this sense of betrayal but also because of the loss of the possibility that this might turn out to be the love I had been waiting for for so long. It was lucky I hadn’t actually fallen in love.

As my sadness started to fade I begun to ask myself what I’d learned from the experience. I have to admit that, at first, I told myself, “There’s NOTHING!” What could there possibly be there to learn?

But then I began to realise that, actually, I had learned a lot which I wanted to share with you:

o I admitted to myself that I’d had a great time. I felt feelings I hadn’t felt in a very long time and for that I’m grateful.
o I got to practise my flirting skills – that was particularly good fun.
o As the relationship became gradually more intense I asked myself if I wanted to be sensible and hold back or go for it. I decided to go for it. That was my choice.
o More importantly, I learned to never again become involved with a man who is not physically available to meet face to face fairly soon.
o And I also reminded myself that I’m a strong woman who knows her worth.

The main reason I decided to write this blog is because of the momentary temptation to beat myself up for being so “gullible”. But a good conman knows what buttons to push. There’s nothing wrong me or with you, if you had a similar experience to mine!

There may be a temptation to give him the money he asks for (to help him out of a tricky situation and that will be refunded the minute he returns to England and you can “finally be together” – all designed to pull your heartstrings) – which is why I’m addressing this blog to older women – because of the fear that this is your last chance to find love. Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t but, if it’s love you’re after, then this ain’t it. The worst thing you can do is to retreat, to decide that you don’t want to risk being hurt again.

But love and loss sometimes go hand in hand and, if there’s one thing I learned over the years, it is to try again despite having been disappointed in a particular friendship and resisting the temptation to tarnish everybody with the same brush. As I said once in my blog ‘Love and Betrayal’ I’d rather trust and be betrayed than live my life not trusting.

This is, I learned over the years, a sure fire way to keep love away.

As for that initial belief that I hadn’t been loved after all, I realised I’d got it wrong: I was definitely loved – I had shown love to myself by remembering that I’m worthy of the real thing.

Have you gone through a similar experience, feel emotionally vulnerable and reluctant to try again? If you have, I can help. Please click here to contact me and arrange a free chemistry session.

Sue Plumtree
The Life Enhancing Coach
Email: sue@sueplumtree.com
Website: www.sueplumtree.com

When I was younger, my life was dominated by all kinds of fears which would hold me back in all areas of my life.

Not long ago, I wrote a blog called ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway – really?’ I then went on to share the two biggest examples of ‘going for it’ in my life: leaving my marriage of 37 years and leaving my well paid job at the Institute of Directors.

These decisions took a long time before I felt able to follow through. In fact, in both cases I struggled and resisted for a very long time – years in case of my marriage! Finally, the time came when I felt ready to go for it. By then I had crossed over into my sixties, in itself an unsettling experience.

Hello, world! Here I am!

At last I reached a place where I felt totally clear and certain, and ready to make my move. I was able to do what the mere thought of doing had terrified me for so long. With my marriage, I had reached the point where the pain of staying was worse than the fear of the unknown. In the case of my job, the pull was the need to follow my heart’s desire: to become a life coach.

It would be natural to assume, going by these two examples, that all I have to do is wait until the fear goes away before I can make my move. However, in both cases there were other forces at play. In the case of my marriage, it was realising that I could no longer stay and that I deserved better. In the case of my job it was something else entirely, something more intangible but potent nevertheless: I had identified a calling that kept pulling at me.

What I realised was that, although fear never leaves, belief in my ultimate goal tends to feed me with courage and determination – so the fear is no longer as overwhelming. The last remnants of that fear dissipate when I do the thing I’m so fearful of doing. That’s why this saying is so profound: ‘There’s nothing to fear but fear itself’.

There are times when my Gremlin whispers dire warnings that slow me down and that, for a time, stop me from moving forward. In fact, I have countless examples where stopped myself from listening to my heart. Fortunately, they no longer last as long as they used to.

Today, at the ripe old age of 68, I continue to move forward – I continue to open myself to learning, growing, experimenting, creating. I finally know I matter, I finally know I make a difference, add value. This is the happiest time of my life.

Are you experiencing joy and fulfilment in your own life or is fear holding you back? Would you like to know how to create a rich and rewarding life, irrespective of how old you are? If you do, please contact me to arrange a free consultation:

Sue Plumtree
The Life Enhancing Coach
Author of ‘Dancing with the Mask: learning to love and be loved’
Featured on BBC Radio 4 ‘Woman’s Hour’, ‘The Daily Mail’, ‘The Daily Telegraph’

Tel: 020 8940 7056
Mobile: 07903 795027
Email: sue@sueplumtree.com

However, despite your total conviction, I will argue that reality is actually your own creation and that we all experience reality in a way that is unique to us.

Have you ever wondered why the same incident is experienced differently by different people? Why different people notice completely different details of the same event? We bring to any given situation our individual perceptions, interpretations, values, beliefs and past experiences. Disagreements tend to occur because we perceive a particular event differently.

What would you say if I told you that this is actually good news? Why? Because if you choose thoughts that lead you to interpret something in a way that makes you feel unhappy, frustrated, irritated or resentful, you can choose again. You could take an 180 degree turn, look at that situation again and ask yourself: “How could I look at this differently?”

Here’s an example, that, although perhaps a little extreme, actually makes the point:

“What if, instead of interpreting somebody giving you a strong push, as an aggressive move, that person actually saved your life by pushing you out of the way of a car that was racing directly at you and which you hadn’t noticed?”

These ambiguities are fodder for all kinds of advertisements that tease the public’s perceptions and interpretations of products or services. I vividly remember a series of posters from the police exploiting a range of ambiguous perceptions to attract minorities.

The point is, reality is what you make it. You choose.

Would you like to figure out the secret of how you create your reality so you can create a different one, one that makes you feel happy and fulfilled? If you would like to know more, please contact me for a free consultation by clicking here.

Sue Plumtree
The Life Enhancing Coach
Author of ‘Dancing with the Mask: learning to love and be loved’
Featured on BBC Radio 4 ‘Woman’s Hour’, ‘The Daily Mail’, ‘The Daily Telegraph’

My own interpretation as to what it means to be strong when we’re older is different. Although on the surface this may not be regarded as age related, I believe that it becomes easier as we grow older.

When I was a child my Mum would tell me stories about the time when she and Dad lived in the jungles of Bolivia after escaping the Nazis. One story in particular had a huge impact on me. She would tell me about the time when Dad was on his way to work and stepped on a rusty nail. Then she went on “he was so strong, not only did he carry on walking to work; he didn’t even get a blood infection.” To her, Dad was a hero until the day he died 50 years later.

That story had a huge impact on me. Her intention was to let me know what an amazing person my Dad was. What it actually did was to make me believe that it was important to be strong which I interpreted as to be a ‘hero’. And that’s what I became. Unfortunately, result of me ‘being a hero’ was that I created distance from other people. “No, thank you. I can handle this. Thanks for asking.” No way was I going to have people believe I was needy or demanding. To me, being the opposite of ‘strong’ was ‘weak’, which is most people’s belief.

But probably the best example is allowing yourself to receive, allowing others to give to you or even ask for help which is, I believe, a huge example of what it means to be strong. In 2009, when I was 64, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was told they needed to perform a lumpectomy but warned me that they would only carry it out as an out-patient if I had someone stay with me for the next 24 hours. That meant asking for help. I still remember sitting in front of the phone and the deep resistance in me. But, in the end, I had no choice but to make the call. When I asked my friend if she’d come over and stay with me she didn’t hesitate for a moment. “No problem”, she replied in a heartbeat.

Since then I learned, to my amazement, that asking for help tends to bring people closer. I discovered that people like to be asked because it gives them the opportunity to do something for someone, to make a difference.

Here are other examples of what, to me, it means to be strong: persisting in the face of obstacles and setbacks, and being determined to pursue whatever matters to you the most. Being strong also means knowing what I stand for, acknowledging that other people may stand for something different and being OK with it. Being strong is having a solid sense of self so that when someone disagrees with me, is critical or even walks away, I don’t fall apart but remain standing. I have learned that disagreements and criticism may sometimes hold a grain of truth so being strong includes not becoming defensive but listening to the other person’s point of view – even though I may wish they’d express it in a gentler manner to make it easier for me to hear it. Having said that, it’s important to reflect on the comment to see if it contains some truth, a lot of truth or whether it genuinely doesn’t fit. That means being honest with yourself and that too can demand strength.

I no longer need to be seen this way or that, or to get people to approve of me. This is the result of a combination of growing older but also my work with my own life coach.

Life continues to test my strength – which brings more learning and more growing. I now understand that I’m always in the process of ‘becoming’.

Do any of these examples chime with you? If not, what is getting in your way? If you’d like to learn how to become stronger, please contact me for a free consultation

Sue Plumtree
The Life Enhancing Coach
Author of ‘Dancing with the Mask: learning to love and be loved’
Featured on BBC Radio 4 ‘Woman’s Hour’, ‘The Daily Mail’, ‘The Daily Telegraph’

Tel: 020 8940 7056
Mobile: 07903 795027
Email: sue@sueplumtree.com

In my younger days, I used to allow fear to hold me back. Since then I worked with a life coach who helped me transform my life.

Not long ago I wrote a blog called ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway – really?’ I went on to share the two biggest examples of ‘going for it’ in my life: leaving my marriage of 37 years and leaving my well paid job at the Institute of Directors.

In both cases I struggled and resisted for a very long time – years in case of my marriage! But the time came when I was ready to take the steps that changed everything for me. By then I had crossed over into my sixties.

I finally reached a place where I experienced total clarity and certainty, and I was able to do what the mere thought of doing had terrified me for so long. I had reached the point where the pain of staying was worse than the fear of the unknown.

But I don’t always need to wait until the fear has left me and I’m armed with courage and determination. For one thing, I have learned that fear never leaves – at least not until I do the thing I’m so fearful of doing. Which is why this saying is so profound: ‘There’s nothing to fear but fear itself’.

There are occasions when it’s necessary for me to push beyond my comfort zones with fear still tugging at me and the Gremlin whispering dire warnings to stop me from moving forward.

I sometimes think of myself as Jonah, from the story in the Bible where he ran away from God’s Will only to be brought back kicking and screaming – metaphorically speaking. I sometimes compare myself with him. I have countless examples where ran away from listening to my heart.

The latest example was admitting to myself that I am an expert in transforming lives having repeatedly told myself and everybody else that “I am NOT an expert!” A few years earlier I had developed an outline of what would become my new and powerful model ‘The 10 Life Enhancing Principles’ but then left it to languish in my files for almost two years. One day I attended a workshop ran by my dear friend Dinah Liversidge. As usual, she was absolutely brilliant – which is why I couldn’t understand why I felt overcome with the deepest sadness. It took me a couple of days to realise: she had accepted her gifts and was soaring like an eagle – and I wasn’t. I was playing small.

It took a lot of courage for me to dig out my work, polish it and put it ‘out there’. But I also noticed that, when the time is right, my courage takes over and then nothing can stop me.

Today, at the ripe old age of 68 I keep moving forward – learning, growing, experimenting, creating. I finally know I matter, I finally know I make a difference, add value. This is the happiest time of my life.

Are you experiencing joy and fulfilment in your own life? If not, would you like to know how to create a rich and rewarding life? If you do, please contact me to arrange a free consultation:

Sue Plumtree
The Life Enhancing Coach
Author of ‘Dancing with the Mask: learning to love and be loved’
Featured on BBC Radio 4 ‘Woman’s Hour’, ‘The Daily Mail’, ‘The Daily Telegraph’

Tel: 020 8940 7056
Mobile: 07903 795027
Email: sue@sueplumtree.com